Telling Myself the Truth
20 Aug 2010 1 Comment
in Reflecting Pond Tags: affairs, Beginnings, determination, honesty, hope, Renewal, self talk, starting over, truth
This is a journal entry from Nov. of 2009
For the past ten years I have not been happy or felt close. Our lives were no longer intertwined but had moved in separate directions. I remember countless pleas to try to reconnect but things were the same. The discovery of the affair continued to broaden the distance between us. The deceit that remained that he was still involved with her caused mistrust and insecurity in me. The financial problems magnified the brokenness in our relationship. It was my hope that a fresh determination would have prevailed. Unfortunately, it provided the “”out”" that he had desired. He stated that he only married me because of being pregnant. Although this could not be further from the truth, it became the cornerstone to his reason not to try to reconcile. I must recognize that my life before me leaving has been filled with loneliness, disappointment, heartache and hopelessness. The time since I have left has been an agonizing time for me.
This is the truth of the situation between us and the inevitable conclusion which is divorce.
I will now be responsible for my own happiness, future, financial choices, and any thing else that comes my way. I choose to look at Nov 20 to be a day for new starts, hopes and dreams. I will choose to see it as a positive not a negative. I will be happy. I will prosper. I will find a deep committed relationship with someone.”
Finding Christ
15 Jun 2010 1 Comment
in Reflecting Pond Tags: Christ, church, healing, rededication
I was a teen looking to belong but went to all the wrong places until a friend invited me to a youth program; it was there that I heard the message of Christ and His Grace and Mercy for me. I knew that this is what I needed in my life. Although the peace of Christ met me, I did not have the support at home that would have allowed me to grow in my faith. I fell away and found myself married with two small children. My heart hungered the presence of the Living God in my life. I began to look for it again. I took my children to a nearby church and a loving Savior that had His arms open met me. I rededicated my life to him. After a time my then husband also came to Christ. We grew in our faith and service to the Lord. We felt a call into full-time ministry; we were in ministry for more than 20 years. Although man has failed me, Christ has never failed me. He has sustained me when I could not take one more step and His great love is the Healer of my heart. I have felt the rejoicing of the Lord as I have rejoiced, and I have felt His embrace as I have wept in His arms. He is the Breathe of life for me.
GIVE BACK MY HEART
10 May 2010 2 Comments
YOU SAID THE LOVED DIED,
SOMETHING YOU TRIED TO HIDE.
NO SENSE IN PRETENDING,
THE HURT TOO DEEP FOR MENDING.
HOW DID IT OCCUR? YOU DON’T KNOW?
MAYBE, IT HAPPENED SO SLOW.
WE WERE TOO BUSY TO SEE,
NOW YOU WANT TO BE FREE.
SO I SAY,
GO ON YOUR WAY.
BUT… GIVE BACK MY HEART,
A NEW LIFE I’LL START.
IT IS NOT YOURS ANY MORE,
I’M NOT THE SAME GIRL AS BEFORE.
I’LL BE FINE YOU WILL SEE,
BECAUSE, I TOO HAVE BEEN SET FREE!
The Party
28 Mar 2010 1 Comment
in Poems
Her steps were light as she crept down the hall,
She had to see just a glimpse of the ball.
Music and laughter told of the way,
The guests had arrived and the mood was gay.
She stayed hidden and careful not to make a sound,
Her movement cautious, not to be found.
Carefully observing the incredible sight,
Knowing that the party was just tonight.
The sparkle and glamour of gowns and dresses,
Expensive jewelry and beautiful tresses,
Men in suits that fit like gloves,
Shirts white as the wings of doves.
The sound of voices in important conversations,
People had come from many destinations.
Her eyes moved from person to person straining to see,
If her love would be there was the heart’s plea.
Her love was unknown by the man that she seeks,
She promised herself — only a few peeks.
She spun around at the sound of his voice,
Her heart fluttered in excitement as to rejoice.
She carefully withdrew to a place to observe,
Back by the curtains along the wall with a curve.
She could see her love as he spoke with ease,
All listened to him knowing of his expertise.
Lost for a moment, she forgot the time,
Until the sound of the clock with its loud chime.
She must leave holding this sight in her heart,
Her love so naive and pure from the start.
She returned to her place with the forgotten,
She stood folding the linens made with fine cotton.
Reliving the sights and memories of the night,
Her eyes twinkled and shone with delight.
He is educated and respected
His sincere kindness is unexpected.
Her heart filled with an overflow of emotion,
But He is unaware of her work or devotion.
Her work seems lighter as her fantasy grows,
Dreaming of when her fragrance is of a rose.
Her dress of silk fabric and fine style,
When he takes her hand with a soft smile.
One day her heart says,” I will know of his embrace,
We will dance the waltz with ease and grace.
Moving to the music, lost in the atmosphere,
To hear the sound of his whispers in my ear”.
A smile flashed across the young beautiful face,
She felt the flush of color as her heart did race.
Glancing quickly to check if any one had seen,
Oh, the matron is watching her so eyes keen.
Late into the night before the work was complete,
Her exit of the mansion to the empty dark street.
Her steps deliberate to reach home before dawn,
No lamp lights, No taxis, the people were all gone.
Her thoughts took her to the hours before,
In the room again wanting to experience more.
Lost in remembering she didn’t see the horse,
As it galloped towards her with its great force.
A shout from the rider startled her, she screamed,
The rider pulled the horse to a stop, he too startled, it seemed.
“What are you doing out at this hour?” he said,
“I am returning home from work,” she said, lowering her head.
In utter surprise, she knew the voice in the dark,
“It is not wise to be out, at this time of the night”, his remark.
She shuttered then said weakly, thank you sir, I will be all right”,
“I insist to see you home, since I gave you such a fright.”
He raised her to the saddle with one swift lift,
Oblivious of her love and to her this gift.
She sat in astonishment as he held on to her,
As the horse started trot, she felt safe and secure.
Her voice in whisper to tell him which door,
At once, he could see that she is of a family so poor.
Without a word, he jumped from the fine steed,
His hands gently lowered her, his final kind deed.
She blushed as she tried to speak,
He leaned in smiling then kissed her cheek.
“Please take more care as you walk home so late.
Many dangers and thieves lie in wait.”
“Thank you sir, you have been most courteous”,
His broad smile and a wink in a manner chivalrous,
In one quick move he is back on the horse,
He galloped away returning to his course.
Her hands trembled as she grasped the handle,
The room was dark as she searched for the candle.
“Sleep won’t come easy for me tonight,
My heart’s too full, it’s overcome with delight.”
She sat writing by the candles’ soft glow,
She knew, no one would ever know.
Nevertheless, for her this night would never fade,
For a brief moment, she was not a mere maid.
Boxes Closets and Drawers
15 Mar 2010 Leave a Comment
in Reflecting Pond Tags: boxes, packing, unpacking
I have begun the task of unpacking my boxes from my move. I realized that some of the boxes were packed when I left the marital home. As I opened the many boxes, waves of emotions sweep over me. So many items stir the thoughts and the memories. There were times when we were a family, days that were happy and joyous. All of that has changed, no longer family meals or celebrating holidays or sharing birthday cakes together.
We have to find a new ways to be a family to share the holidays and celebrate life’s events.
I purposed that I will live with in the reality of my life as it is. Not as it was or what I want it to be. I do not need to have dishes to entertain more than 8 people any longer. I don’t need to have Christmas decorations that rival the white house! I am trying to simplify my life. Not having things just stuffed in closets and drawers. Some things I just don’t know what to do with, things that were so special but that bring tears today to look at. I choose to put it away until I am more ready, I think. Pictures hit hard, what do you do with the couples shots? Family portraits? It is all part of the process, I guess. I must be doing better at least I have opened the boxes.
Saying Good Bye
02 Mar 2010 Leave a Comment
in Reflecting Pond Tags: good-bye, leaving, moving, relationships
Saying Good Bye is difficult for the heart when you do not want to be separated from the person. That is the case with me, I know that the leaving is for the best. She must go, it is not an option to stay here any longer. It is damaging to her spirit, to her dreams and future. She must go, I remind my heart. To love is to look beyond my own desires and to see what is best for the other person. I love her so I say Good Bye.
In saying Good Bye is to recognize what is happening. She is caged here, she needs the freedom to be who she is not what we want her to be. I had hoped for so much more time, but the ugliness of divorce and trying to straddle a relationship with her father and myself proved to be a poison to her heart.
She must go where she is able to blossom and grown. Where she is able to work in a field that sees her many talents and gifts. She needs to be where there is opportunity for her to explore and rekindle what makes her so incredibly special to us all. She needs to be with friends that love her, and build her up and help her to heal.
My precious daughter has been such a bright place in my life, that light is and will always be there for me. We have fought for our relationship with one another, we respect each other as women, and love each other for the roles that tie us to each other.
Some might say that you shouldn’t say good-bye, but say until then, or see you later. I know that I will see her again. But it will be different, she can’t drop by, help me pick out what I will wear for work, have supper together, or a thousand other things that are taken for grated when you live close together.
Say Good Bye, leave behind the disappointments, the heartache, broken promises and dreams. Don’t pack the sadness or the frustrations, but pack the good times, the laughter, the closeness, the moments of smiles and hugs. Fill your heart with the love that each of us have you. Know that you are loved beyond measure.
Say Good-Bye to this season of your life, a time of difficulty and discouragement. Say Good-Bye to loneliness and isolation. Step into the next season with enthusiasm and fearlessness, knowing that you are strong, intelligent and courageous.
How I see change.
02 Mar 2010 Leave a Comment
in Reflecting Pond Tags: change
Over the past month some interesting things have been taking place in my life. I have felt more comfortable with where I am and where I am going. I began to write down my thoughts and I was surprised what I say. I have seen the distance that I have traveled.
The road has been rocky and difficult to navigate at times.
I have even fallen on occasion. But the better part is that I get up and I take a few more steps down this road.
I have discovered my strengths in the midst of difficult times.
I believe that each day is getting better if I keep my eyes to the future and not the past.
Yes, there has been lots of change. I can not fight change. Each day there are changes that are out of my control but I have to choose how I will face it and adapt to it. That is within my power.
I hope that as I travel, I will be changed for the better and to be a person that will encourage and help others to reach into themselves to find that they too can make it, no matter what.
Angels in Disguise
23 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in Reflecting Pond Tags: friends, help, moving
I decided to move to a different apartment in the dead of winter between winter storms.
Hey,who wants to do things the “normal way” that is no fun.
My old apartment required that I shovel the sidewalk out from and to the front door and the driveway where I parked my car.
I was readying the my apartment for the move, had a plan in place, I thought. We had a storm come through dumping more than a foot of snow.
On Saturday I shoveled a path to the car, then shovel out the car to make a trip to the apartment to take some boxes.
I loaded the car and drove over to the new place.
I carried the first box up the two flights of stairs.
My body began to talk with me about the shoveling that I had done earlier.
My legs shouted at me that I had not conditioned them for such activities.
My lungs reminded me that I am totally out of shape!
That is when I when I realized that I am getting old! I knew then that I was in trouble.
At work on Monday, my co-worker who had offered her services and of her husband, shared with me that, over the weekend, the snow had done a number on her husband’s back. she was uncertain if he could help. OH NO! now what! Now I have NO PLAN.
After work, I was driving to the apartment asking and pleading God for help.
I then heard my phone ring. Answered the call, it was the son of a family friend who lives in the area.
He said, “I hear you are moving how can I help?” I started to cry, “You are an answer to a prayer I just prayed, asking God to send me someone to help.” I explained to him.
He told me not to worry just to get a truck and he would get the guys.
On Saturday, true to his word he arrived at a little before 9:00 am.
My friend and her husband arrived, at 9:30 the truck was on site and was being loaded by no less than six young men.
These young men did not know me, but they gave up there Saturday because their friends asked them to help. What a wonderful blessing of the Lord. At 11:30 am the last of the truck was unloaded at the new apartment!
That has to be one for the record books.
I don’t know how I would have been able to move, but God knew.
He had touched the hearts of six young men, a co-worked and her husband and my daughter to sacrifice time and strength for me.
You were all angels in disguise, you were sent on assignment to be a wonderful blessing to this traveler. May the Lord richly bless you!
The Mask
07 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in Poems Tags: deception, lies truth, redemption, restoration
It was well made with care to look real,
Had the right size, look and feel,
It was used faithfully every day,
It was able convince and to sway.
So, they could not know nor could you see,
That the life lived did not agree,
With the life preached and was taught,
No one questioned or even thought.
The mask did it is work with expertise,
Able to hide the reality and sin’s disease,
It was worn to avoid the telling of truth,
Worn with children the old and the youth.
One day, a week, a month then a year,
Each morning the mask placed without a mirror,
An another day to pretend and to feign,
Easier and easier the deception to maintain.
The mask’s weight charges a hefty toll,
On the heart, mind and the soul.
The poison of falsehood and deceit,
Will destroy a life with a complete defeat.
How can the power of the mask be broken?
Is to embrace the words that were spoken.
Is to remember that truth is the sword,
It is held in the hand of our Loving Lord.
The process of removing the mask,
Is done by revealing the truth and then to ask,
To acknowledge the guilt and the deception,
Then ask for Calvary’s powerful redemption.
The process takes time, honesty and more,
The purpose is to see the truth and to restore,
Each day with intimacy and to draw nearer,
One day is to see His reflection in the mirror.
James 1: 23Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror 24and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.
Friends Lost and Friends Found
01 Feb 2010 1 Comment
in Reflecting Pond Tags: commitment, divorce, emotions, friends, healing, love
Over the past year there has been so much change in this travelers life.
I left the life that I had known for more than 35 years to embark on a totally different lifestyle. I am single no children to raise. Just to take care of myself. I have never done that before. I find it scary but refreshing.
In this change, I have lost so many people who I would have counted as my friends, and then found others that I though were acquaintances were so more than. I marveled at the process.
Just because you spent time with people does not a friend make. It is commitment to weather and trudge through mud and the messiness of life together. Through the time of my separation and divorce, I saw that many people simply choose not to involve themselves or just ignore the situation totally.
I have to be honest, I did hide out. I did not go to the places that would have caused me to run into people who might have provoked questions. I did not want to have to answer questions, I did not want to have to tell the awful truth of my husband nearly ten-year affair.
What would I have said?
I found friends in many different places, people rallied around me. They cheered me on even though I did not feel like taking another step. They spoke to me to keep on when I was unsure of would lie ahead. They came from unlikely places, but they were friends that I could count on.
I am grateful for those that have stood with me and those that have come along side me.
As I wandered in the darkness of the losses, I found those that helped and guided me to find those that would understand what was happening to me and around me. I found others that had traveled this road and others that were beginning it as I was.
I found my voice sounded similar to theirs. The struggles, and heartaches mirrored mine. It is amazing to see the strength as we shared. I have benefited from the relationships that are new and those that have been tested and tried.
On night I was talking to one of my new friends that was facing her court date, as she felt the waves of emotions, the need to protect her was so powerful. The bond that is formed is so strong, as we wade through the muddy waters of divorce and restoration.
I am so thankful those friends that do not judge, or demand or try to keep you on a timetable. They just keep loving you, and tell you are going to make it.
My Friends –Thank you.
Recent Comments